Friendship

Friendship

One of the things you test severely when you're an alcoholic is relationships. I have tested one specifically to the limit recently. For that, I am publicly stating an apology, I will not go into details as I have emailed the reasons and apologies directly.

However, I am now on day 4 of Champix and the drug has affected me in numerous ways. My dreams are incredibly vivid (cutting up my housemate and deciding whether he was for garbage or recycling was a particular pain), my hunger knows no bounds; and even so much as a glass of wine has me on my back, though this may also be from the fact that I have had about 12 units in the past 3 weeks.     

I have deconstructed many of my friendships over the past few weeks and for that I am full of regret. I have neglected a friends birthday, deactivated my facebook account and reactivated it in the space of 5 days.

I hereby stand and say:

'I am a cunt'

The point of this blog is for me to document my misgivings and to help me understand me a little bit more, so a moment of honesty:

I am drunk. I probably have been since I left home. I want to give up drinking, but the temptation to call in and get a bottle of wine is so great it overpowers me.

I am in the middle of quitting smoking, so come the new year i should be smoke free, but the booze is a whole other subject. 

Even though the first thing I look for in the morning is my cigarettes, alcohol will be harder to dismiss. As previously mentioned all my friends are now former smokers, they all still drink, and quite heavily at that. I have cut down massively, but quitting is going to be incredibly hard. But I must. I have no rational when it comes to drinking. It is all or nothing and this post has taken 12 hours to write as I fell asleep because I was pissed. My friends are everything to me, as my family and I have little to do with each other. So I want to take this opportunity to say:

'Redemption comes to those who wait, forgiveness is the key.' Tom Petty.

I just hope that those friends who I have affected can find some room in their hearts to forgive me. Wait for the changes and witness them before they forgive. Because with no family and no friends I am nothing and may as well throw myself under the 1st tube.

Nothing left to lose.

Well, a week into this blog and I feel I have accomplished so much by putting it all out there. Cards on the table, I am an alcoholic smoker that wants to escape the prison of addiction to the freedom of a fit and healthy new me. Steps have been taken to quit smoking and to give up the booze, some I can talk about, others I am keeping quiet for now until I believe suitable progress has been made.

I have decided that I am throwing myself into work in the run up to Christmas to take my mind off things. The month of December is the busiest time of year in the bar and restaurant industry and seems like the perfect opportunity to take my mind off things. It might seem like the worst time for most people to consider giving up their vices as the norm is generally around the 1st of January and the whole New Years Resolution concept where civilisation believes a New Year = Clean Slate. Well I can't carry on another month. I want to stop now. I can no longer deal with the cluster bombs that follow every weekend. Presently, I'm still dealing with the cluster bombs from 2 weeks ago and this is sending me into a downward spiral. So I am dealing with it the only way I can trust myself to. Remove all social situations from my calendar for the next month and throw myself into work. Cancel all engagements and ignore all calls and messages. Take control back.

Part of this comes from the lack of trust in myself to not have a drink and subsequently, not be able to stop. Part of this comes from the people that I surround myself with. They all support me in my decision, however, there are few that I feel I could be around when they are getting beyond the point of control. They are not battling the same demons as me, yet; so they are free to carry on as they please. I cannot.

One day the balance will come again between work and my social life but for now I have to be all about work. It's easier to be self righteous behind the bar than it is propping it up. Ironically, work is the one place that I have no craving for alcohol. My mind is occupied and I barely have time to stop for a cigarette, let alone get drunk. Yes, even just the 1 drink will inevitably lead to me getting drunk. The challenge here will be after work.

'Can we have a staff drink while we wait for you?'

'Yeah OK', always thinking in the back of my mind that I'll finish and have 2 or 3 pints or down a bottle of wine.

This is a cycle that I will have to break, I will have to get into the habit of finishing and going straight away. Along with a hundred other places that I like to enjoy a drink: tubes, nightbuses, getting ready, in the cinema, alone, with friends, it goes on... Maybe the answer to this will come from tomorrow night's meeting.

Whose button is it anyway?

I have so many friends where different rules apply. Some you can speak of one thing and others you wouldn't dream of it. This is not a bad thing, it doesn't mean we are 2 faced, we just all have different personalities for different people. The issue arises when those boundaries become blurred, of which many have happened to me. I have lost count of the number of times I have had to apologise for my actions or something I have said to someone who has not necessarily been on that level. Some I can indulge in politically incorrect humour, some with political and current affairs, some with emotions, and others just for a bloody great time talking complete and utter shite. My friends cover all my bases, for that I love them. We have shared interests across the board and I may have heated debates with one, yet with another the same issue would cause a row a hundred men could join in.

So why is it that with certain friends we feel the need to court controversy by pushing their buttons? I am a bugger for this. I will wind people up to the point of pushing them to the edge of the cliff of our friendship, especially when I have had a drink, if not more so. My mother said that I would try the patience of a saint when I was a child, but when visiting relatives, I was as good as gold. So is there something intrinsically cantankerous within my nature? Why do I feel the need to drive some friends fucking crazy? In the past week I have managed to test a friendship and get it back through a lot of apologies, all of which were sincere; but, it was like I just couldn't resist myself indulging in what I deemed in my drunken brain as acceptable. Only in hindsight do I realise that what some friends think is funny, others most certainly will not. This is one of the many reasons I need to understand and control my alcoholism, to develop my boundaries. Why should it be one rule for the rich and another for the poor? Why can't I just be equally friendly and considerate to all of my friends? What is the reason that some will tolerate my, well, almost bullying. Surely in my head I am aware that after 14 years of schooling, most of which I was the victim of bullying, that this is not fucking acceptable. Slandering friends and calling them names is what happens in the playground, not in a social situation?

This is not derived from any circumstances in particular, just a reflection on what I have dealt out to some friends and seen them do to each other. I am certain that by the age of 21 we should have all grown up by now, especially as some are nearer the 30 mark. Maybe it is time we comprehend what fantastic friends we actually have and celebrate the wonderful things we do for each other instead of making little snide remarks in order to get a reaction or play to a crowd. I for one intend on making this change and looking out for my friends more, let's face it, I have ditched all the false sycophants and tyrants to be with them.

Rude Awakening...

Last night, after my return from the dinner party mentioned in my previous post, I was wide awake due to the coffee after the meal and the fact that there wasn't 30 units of alcohol searing through my veins. So I flipped open this very laptop and began shuffling though 4OD to see what I might watch to lull me off to sleep. I came across a feature length programme that I had previously missed on Channel 4. I settled into bed and watched the formidable Clapham Junction, I was fascinated by it's portrayal of the famous South London cruising ground (Clapham Common) for gay men, especially as I have been known to have frequented the area myself. Kevin Elyot has managed to set off alarm bells in my head with this fantastic piece of drama. The fictitious story revolves around the taboo of gay men and their desire for dangerous public sex, notably extracting many facts from the murder of Jody Dobrowski. This was a programme where I related to most things that occurred in my life as a gay man, drugs, drinking, dangerous sex in public places with anonymous men. Yet it startled me and brought a rude awakening.

Despite my friends' warnings of the dangers of what may happen on the Common, I would generally end up there intoxicated after a night out. Drunk and looking for some no strings fun. Often with more than one man, either at a time or in a night. It was cheap and easy. Not thinking of the consequences of being a headline on the tabloids which would no doubt distress not just my friends who know me so well, but my parents and siblings that would have to discover the sleazy underground sex life that I had adorned. That would have hit them like an articulated lorry, for even though they know that I am an out and proud gay man, we have not spoken in nearly 3 years. I can no longer run the risk of putting them through a trauma like that. Risking my own life is one thing but causing my beloved parents that much anguish is beyond repulsive.

What of the untimely death of the gay man? Russell T Davies tackled the issue in the groundbreaking 1999 television series Queer As Folk. In episode 3, Phil hooks up with a guy in a club and takes him home, they snort drugs on the premise of a sexual encounter. Phil, unfortunately dies from an overdose and the ripple effect can be seen in the following episode as his mother questions would it have happened if he was straight? Would he have taken some random back to his house and snorted inordinate amounts of narcotics before having sex? Well also from what I have seen in watching customers in bars and clubs, yes they do. But the fallout for me is when Stuart takes Vince to Phil's house just after his death to clear out the porn stash. There really are somethings a mother doesn't need to know about.

It is hard for any parent to lose a child, it is always supposed to happen the other way around. These risks that we take for the instant gratification, whether it be sexual or a drug high, increase the chance of this ideology being reversed. The same cannot be said for hate crimes. Aware that  Jody Dobrowski was a victim of such crime, and as mentioned in Clapham Junction that the character that represented him that 'no one deserves to be treated like that.' Men that put themselves in the position of public cruising grounds increase their risk of attack, even if they are only passing through. Though only last year a man was stabbed to death not far from the George & Dragon, a bar I have been known to drink in and visited 2 months after this attack wearing not much more than a smile in one of the most intoxicated states I have been in. Would I have acted or dressed differently if I had known what had happened? I doubt it, because at that time I was in a very different mindset as to now. It appears that this violence is everywhere, yet Olly was not putting himself at any significant risk, he just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Thinking about it, I am certainly not going to be putting myself in any situations that will increase my risk of attack. There are plenty of places I can go to fulfill a sexual need without cruising in dangerous locations, the last thing I want is for the police to inform my parents, the tabloids to torment them or a friend to have to clear out my porn stash.

So is exorcising your demons in public a good thing?

So last night's dinner party was a success, great food, wonderful company and a very flappable host soon relaxed and began to enjoy her evening. My own triumph was drinking nothing but fruit juice all night, bar the quarter glass of sparkling mulled wine, which I deemed acceptable as it was only 4%ABV. Though the real food for thought came on my journey on my way home, especially as there was talk of incriminating friends through this blog at the party.

On my bus ride home I picked up a lazily discarded copy of London's Evening Standard newspaper, on the cover of which I found a very interesting article about Sally Bercow, the wife of the speaker of the House of Commons. She, like myself, has decided it is time to be frank about her wild child ways of her early 20's and clear the skeletons from her closet. Her decision to do so is to prevent any smear campaigns that may arise when she runs for a seat in the upcoming elections. Whereas mine is for no other reason than to self help by trying to understand my actions and to learn from them. I read the article with keen interest as to why this woman behaved in the way she did. She was very open and I found it fascinating that someone with the possibility of become such a public figure would be so honest. It was refreshing. She spoke of drinking 2 bottles of wine a day and numerous one night stands, requesting the be called 'romantic liaisons', only to correct herself by saying there was very little romance involved. This is something that spoke to me and something I will discuss in my next post.

This morning, I checked out the article again and forwarded it to some friends at work to read to offer them an insight as to why I am creating this blog. Yet I was slightly concerned to read the negative comments below the full article. Why is this woman being chased with torches when all she is trying to achieve is a little honesty about her past that some may deem as seedy if it were leaked during her campaign? Surely I am not that naive in thinking she wanted to inject a little truth and realism into her profile in order to strengthen her mandate as a politician? Honesty or for personal gain, I questioned my reasons for writing this blog. To be quite honest, I can admit that I am doing it for both. Honesty in myself and to be true to the future I want to lead; for personal gain in that it will make me a stronger, healthier person in both body and mind.

Understanding that the politics world is very different from my own, I can still empathise with Sally with her desire to lead an open and honest life. If I lived in her constituency she would get my vote.

First blog to first steps.

Well after posting my 1st blog (then correcting a spelling mistake after, oops), I decided it was time to take my first steps towards achieving my goals, which initially is to give up the cigarettes and alcohol. I have just called to make a doctors appointment at my local surgery to register. Of course this is not as easy it it would seem, I need ID, proof of address and my NHS number. ID: check, proof of address: check, NHS number: no. So I called my old surgery on the advice of the receptionist that I spoke to at my new one; only to be told that she couldn't give it to me over the phone and that I would have to phone another number and order a new Medical Card.

If you only knew of my passion for red tape and bureaucracy, really it fills me with the joys of rotting fruit. So after jumping through hoops I have now got everything to register (or at least on it's way to me).

But what of this appointment, how far am I going to go with the doctor? Or how far will they go to help? Most will offer patches, gum or even Champix (a new medication which helps with the cravings of nicotine withdrawal), to help patients quit smoking. They will freely advise on Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in the local area. But, if Mitch Wineouse is to be believed if I have a drug addiction I am going to fall short because I am not in court trying to get rehab as a plea? I feel that my addictions of past with narcotics are far behind me and have not been a regular user and abuser in about 4 years. It seems to have just drifted from my nature, outgrown it you might say. Yes, I still enjoy the odd dabble, though 3 times in the past year is no comparison to the tales of glamour and excess of my mid 20's.

If only the socially acceptable drugs of choice (nicotine & alcohol) were so easy to fall from my grace. I have been reassessing my need to have these in my life. As a heavy smoker who chains 30 a day, I feel this is going to be an enormous hurdle and feel those around me my have a bit of trouble dealing with my mood swings. Knowing people who have done it through will power, people who have used patches and people who have used the new wonder drug Champix, I have a plethora of aids at my disposal courtesy of my GP. I would also consider hypnotherapy, but at £200 initial outlay it seems quite steep in comparison. Maybe I'll try the good old NHS first.

Now the booze is slightly harder to pigeonhole. My friends are turning their backs on cigarettes in their droves, but alcohol, never. I am a heavy drinker, much different to when I was in my mid 20's when booze was my life and finishing work would mean a trip to the supermarket to pick up something for dinner as well as a selection of wine or spirits. My life in London has changed my drinking style, possibly my attitude to it as well. I work on average 60 hours per week and see my friends rarely. I still manage to rack up the units here and there though. After work will result in maybe a bottle of wine or a couple of pints, a night in can be a nice steak and a bottle of port, yet with my friends I feel I am invincible and can drink the bar or off license dry. It's seems that I feel I have to make up for lost time and so I will turn up with a bottle of spirits or 2 bottles of port or a box of wine. We all partake in this binge drinking, yet only I seem to be the one who has absolutely no control. I drink until I can't stand or pass out, whichever comes first. So here lies my dilemma... Do I give up drinking temporarily? Permanently? Or for a significant period of time until I feel I can exert some restraint and respect for the demon drink?

To this question I have no answer. Though one thing I am certain of; I can't carry on drinking the way I do, if not only for the state of my health for my relationships with my friends. The quote most recently mentioned that decided this was 'It was nice to see you stoned for a change, much preferable to you drunk.' The fact was that it was true, there directly from the mouth of a very close friend. It's not the first time friends have discussed my drinking, in fact it was a regular topic amongst them a few years back generally after I had left for another party or to get sleep before work. A clanger would always be dropped by someone at some point, 'Oh we were all talking about how much you drink the other night.' Everyone had their concerns but I felt nobody ever confronted me about it so carried on the downward spiral.

Should they have intervened though? To be honest, the amount that I was drinking, I doubt I would have listened. Today is Wednesday and I have not had a drink in 72 hours, I am currently challenging myself to see how long I can go as I left a friends house on Sunday in a complete and utter state and negotiated public transport to get home. If I had seen someone in the state I was in on Sunday, I would have been disgusted. I have 2 dinner parties to go to in the next 2 days and I intend on staying sober at both, again as part of the test.

Who knows what the run up to Christmas will hold. Work will be so busy and stressful, seems the perfect time to give up both cigarettes and alcohol.

First Blog... So here goes.

Well this is my 1st attempt at blogging. It has no other purpose than to help me exorcise my demons, past and present. Although I am hoping that it will provide inspiration and motivation to myself to change the lifestyle I lead. Generally I feel that I am a good person, but there has been occasions when I have been a less than appropriate friend, family member, colleague.

This is the purpose of my first attempt, to rid me of the demons past. Hopefully, this will lead onto my aspirations, of which there are many: fitness, stamina, improved health, better attitude on life, treatment of others. The reason behind the adult warning is my frankness about every aspect of my life. It will all be laid bare here for all to read. Some aspects of that may not be suitable for readers sensitive to explicit narratives on my sex life, drinking binges, drug abuse; nonetheless I feel I must tackle every subject that may be taboo to get to where I want to be.

The name behind the title of this blog is cyclical. I once said when I was a naive 15 year old who thought he knew everything, that I wanted to complete the London Marathon by the time I was 27. I am now 29 and have barely walked a mile of the route through my times in London.

When I was in my early 20's through to my mid/late 20's, I earned the nickname 'Marathon Man', for very different reasons. I had developed an incredible tolerance to alcohol and drugs, you name it, I've probably had it. I could drink a litre of spirits and still make my way to a club where I would consume at least another bottle to wash down various narcotics. But, this would not just be an average night out using recreational drugs, this would carry on throughout the next day and possibly the next. There was never enough and I would never be the one to decree 'The night is over'. Hence the name Marathon Man. I would literally go for days without sleep or food, I was never alone, but I was never the one who nipped off for a couple of hours sleep or a bite to eat. Somewhere the would always be something going on.

I would turn up to work with hangovers and comedowns, without a 2nd thought. Now here's the secret to getting away with it... I was working in bars and nightclubs. Being surrounded by that lifestyle enabled me to adopt this hedonism with ease. Nobody questioned a dilated pupil or brandy breath any time of day or night. Getting away with it was so easy that it spiraled out of control and at my worst I was consuming up to 8 or 9 bottles of spirits and 8 grams of cocaine per week. Not to mention the odd ecstasy tablet/wrap of amphetamine/tab of acid/enter the drug of choice at the time...

Time took it's toll and even though the drug abuse faded, I now hold a pretty severe alcohol addiction, cigarettes I devour at least 30 a day and despite my move to London leading to a drop in weight by around 3 stones, I am still around 5 stone overweight. So I am kicking the cigarettes and the booze in an attempt to shift the last of my weight and start my return to health.

Which leads me to the final arc of the circle. I intend on take up running in the new year. I want to be that marathon man from my teenage years. I will run a 10k in May and am going to spend the next 16 months gearing up for the London Marathon of 2011. I turn 30 next July and want to be able to say my 20's were great, but my 30's are going to be even better.