Well, a week into this blog and I feel I have accomplished so much by putting it all out there. Cards on the table, I am an alcoholic smoker that wants to escape the prison of addiction to the freedom of a fit and healthy new me. Steps have been taken to quit smoking and to give up the booze, some I can talk about, others I am keeping quiet for now until I believe suitable progress has been made.
I have decided that I am throwing myself into work in the run up to Christmas to take my mind off things. The month of December is the busiest time of year in the bar and restaurant industry and seems like the perfect opportunity to take my mind off things. It might seem like the worst time for most people to consider giving up their vices as the norm is generally around the 1st of January and the whole New Years Resolution concept where civilisation believes a New Year = Clean Slate. Well I can't carry on another month. I want to stop now. I can no longer deal with the cluster bombs that follow every weekend. Presently, I'm still dealing with the cluster bombs from 2 weeks ago and this is sending me into a downward spiral. So I am dealing with it the only way I can trust myself to. Remove all social situations from my calendar for the next month and throw myself into work. Cancel all engagements and ignore all calls and messages. Take control back.
Part of this comes from the lack of trust in myself to not have a drink and subsequently, not be able to stop. Part of this comes from the people that I surround myself with. They all support me in my decision, however, there are few that I feel I could be around when they are getting beyond the point of control. They are not battling the same demons as me, yet; so they are free to carry on as they please. I cannot.
One day the balance will come again between work and my social life but for now I have to be all about work. It's easier to be self righteous behind the bar than it is propping it up. Ironically, work is the one place that I have no craving for alcohol. My mind is occupied and I barely have time to stop for a cigarette, let alone get drunk. Yes, even just the 1 drink will inevitably lead to me getting drunk. The challenge here will be after work.
'Can we have a staff drink while we wait for you?'
'Yeah OK', always thinking in the back of my mind that I'll finish and have 2 or 3 pints or down a bottle of wine.
This is a cycle that I will have to break, I will have to get into the habit of finishing and going straight away. Along with a hundred other places that I like to enjoy a drink: tubes, nightbuses, getting ready, in the cinema, alone, with friends, it goes on... Maybe the answer to this will come from tomorrow night's meeting.
I really admire your considerable efforts to do the hardest thing in the world and change your life, but please do continue some social contact...
ReplyDeleteThrowing yourself into work and work alone is what's known as 'avoidance' in therapy circles. It creates a short term solution to a problem, but can lead to longer term issues with it by ultimately making those issues seem bigger and more insurmountable than they really are. I appreciate it that since you are doing this without professional help, it may seem like the best option, but I urge you to have one person you can always contact and feel able to talk to no matter what as a safety net rather than cutting yourself off completely. Maybe set up a fake Facebook or get a new SIM or something to preserve anonymity and ask them to be that person for you without having to involve others who test your resolve?
I have never tackled addiction, but I have been trying to change my life as radically as you are doing and doing it alone makes it harder (I think). Trusting someone to help is bloody hard, but can make the world of difference. You deserve to have someone who you can lean on no matter how low you feel right now...
I will support any decisions you make and will do ANYTHING at all to help or support you no matter what, especially as you have helped me more than you could know in the past few months. Know that I will be thinking about you every step of the way and rooting for you, but please do check in with me with the occasional text or blog post/comment as I do worry (and want to hear how things are going!) and as you're phoneless, I have no way of contacting you.
(Plus if I may be a touch selfish, I really want to buddy up with you in the New Year to beat the cigarettes. You're my inspiration on that!)
Love you (and will miss you over the next few weeks!) Remember you're always welcome at mine, even if I'm not here myself!
xxx