Friendship

Friendship

One of the things you test severely when you're an alcoholic is relationships. I have tested one specifically to the limit recently. For that, I am publicly stating an apology, I will not go into details as I have emailed the reasons and apologies directly.

However, I am now on day 4 of Champix and the drug has affected me in numerous ways. My dreams are incredibly vivid (cutting up my housemate and deciding whether he was for garbage or recycling was a particular pain), my hunger knows no bounds; and even so much as a glass of wine has me on my back, though this may also be from the fact that I have had about 12 units in the past 3 weeks.     

I have deconstructed many of my friendships over the past few weeks and for that I am full of regret. I have neglected a friends birthday, deactivated my facebook account and reactivated it in the space of 5 days.

I hereby stand and say:

'I am a cunt'

The point of this blog is for me to document my misgivings and to help me understand me a little bit more, so a moment of honesty:

I am drunk. I probably have been since I left home. I want to give up drinking, but the temptation to call in and get a bottle of wine is so great it overpowers me.

I am in the middle of quitting smoking, so come the new year i should be smoke free, but the booze is a whole other subject. 

Even though the first thing I look for in the morning is my cigarettes, alcohol will be harder to dismiss. As previously mentioned all my friends are now former smokers, they all still drink, and quite heavily at that. I have cut down massively, but quitting is going to be incredibly hard. But I must. I have no rational when it comes to drinking. It is all or nothing and this post has taken 12 hours to write as I fell asleep because I was pissed. My friends are everything to me, as my family and I have little to do with each other. So I want to take this opportunity to say:

'Redemption comes to those who wait, forgiveness is the key.' Tom Petty.

I just hope that those friends who I have affected can find some room in their hearts to forgive me. Wait for the changes and witness them before they forgive. Because with no family and no friends I am nothing and may as well throw myself under the 1st tube.